Will my status and independence put men off?
The answer depends on the man’s own partner potential
Yesterday afternoon I had a catch-up call with a client - let’s call her Andrea - who’s very senior in her profession and has been getting proactive with dating. She’s been having some interesting encounters, but here’s what she said to me:
“I’m financially secure, I’m a high-flyer in my work, I’ll have a good pension, I’ve got my own house, I’m a good catch – but it’s probably a lot for a guy to take on.”
Andrea was shocked by a particular guy she’d been seeing. He was very high up in finance and had professional awards coming out of his ears, and yet he said he couldn’t cope with her status or her wealth.
Andrea’s story isn’t unusual. I’m often asked questions along the lines of –
“Am I too independent to attract a man?”
“Are qualities in women like independence, strength, intelligence, professional achievement, a turn-off for men?
It’s a pretty frustrating thought – you’ve spent your entire adulthood striving to be the best you can be, you’ve had success in your professional life, and you’re great at dealing with the issues life throws at you and looking after yourself.
A man with these qualities would be a great catch, right?
So why then does it seem as if the same things could disqualify women from finding a relationship?
Well the truth is, the characteristics that make men attractive are not the same as those that give a woman high mate-value. And women with fierce independence and intelligence will indeed scare a lot of men off.
But the thing is, these men are unlikely to be the ones you want anyway!
In Andrea’s case, the man she had been seeing, although a high-flyer himself, simply wasn’t secure enough in himself to be able to enjoy and respect someone on his own level. Either that, or he had some very outdated attitudes about gender roles within relationships. Or both.
The point is, he wasn’t going to make a good partner for someone like Andrea.
Happily though, while there are guys who are intimidated by strong, independent women there are also many men who value these attributes highly. Lots of men find intelligence and achievement a major turn-on.
That’s the kind of man that Andrea could be happy with.
Why would any of us want a man who’s scared of our independence and capability?!
Another thing to bear in mind is that men tend to look for different qualities depending on whether they’re in the market for casual sex or a long-term partner.
Guys who are just looking for some uncommitted sex or a quick fling are the ones who are more likely to be looking for someone who’s easy to push around or manipulate.
Men who are more interested in a proper relationship – they’ll be looking for a quality woman who’s intelligent and capable. Some men even change from one strategy to another. Remember when George Clooney ditched the supermodels and went for a supremely intelligent human rights lawyer when it came to getting married?
So yes, if you’re a strong, independent, intelligent woman – don’t be afraid to show it.
That said…
Just because you’re used to being strong and capable and assertive at work, you don’t have to bring that with you when you’re out on a date – especially in the early stages of getting to know someone.
After all, a lot of men have fairly fragile egos compared with women. This is because men’s behaviour has evolved to optimise their status among their male peers and their egos help push them to pursue that status. In the context of a date, you don’t want to be part of that status competition!
You don’t have to be strong and independent ALL the time. Maybe accept a little help from time to time, perhaps show your more playful side – you might enjoy it ;)
Just like us, men need to feel needed, to feel appreciated for what they bring. So you don’t have to go in with all guns blazing. It won’t harm your feminist credentials to have fun in a man’s company and accept a little help when you could do with it. Let him show some investment in you.
Show your appreciation for what he gets right. Compliment him on his choice of venue. There’s nothing wrong with letting him pay the bill – you can reciprocate next time if you like.
But at the same time, you can demonstrate your intelligence, your practicality, your awesomeness – and expect appreciation for that (if you don’t get appreciation for that – move on).
Show who you really are, and the RIGHT guy will love you for it.
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If you’re ready to get proactive about finding YOUR good man I have just the thing for you, coming soon!
I’m running a free masterclass called
“The 5 Essentials for Successful Dating – for Women Over 50”
And it’ll happen Tuesday 24th March at 7pm GMT.
In this FREE MASTERCLASS, I’ll introduce you to my scientific approach for finding the right man for you and I’ll tell the story of how I myself successfully changed my ways and found the love of my life at 50.
You’ll also learn:
How to grow your self-esteem and get into a healthy mindset for dating
How to identify and connect with the men who have the qualities needed for a great relationship
How to pace your early encounters in a way that lets you come to desire a good man
How to write your online dating profile to be a magnet for the man you need and a filter for the duffers
Where and how to meet good men in real life
I will finish up with a quick overview of our Dating Evolved Group Program, and I’ll answer your burning dating questions!
If the link doesn’t work, just go to datingevolved.com/masterclass
See you then :)
Much love,
Mairi